Dear Sir/Madam,
I write answering the advertisement for a “Guitarist/Singer/Recorderist/Bassist/Songwriter” placed in the Sydney Morning Herald on May 1st, 2008. Having been a musician for many years I believe I have the required skill set and expertise to meet the demands of the position.
I have played in several groups who’ve shared a universal disdain for monetary success, and have experienced the routine suspicious stares of friends and relatives when describing the prospects short, medium and, in particular, long term. This I believe perfectly meets the requirements laid out in the advertisement’s small print.
However, before I accept what I am sure will simply be a formality (please see full resume attached) I do have some questions about aspects of the role.
In point form, and no particular order.
* Montezuma – As much as I like the evocative possibilities of the album’s title, I’m not entirely sure I know what it means. Montezuma was, of course, an Aztec king who disliked the Spanish invaders and was reputed to have lots of gold laying about the place. In the modern parlance, his name is used in the term “Montezuma’s Revenge” to describe the virulent diarrhoea experienced when eating a suspect fish taco in Tijuana. I assume it is not this reference you are hoping the audience to embrace.
* Revolution in the Shed – Having played music in the Sydney, Melbourne, Canberran, Adelaidean, Californian, Brisbaneian, Tokyo(an) and Yokohaman areas for the last 15 years I don’t recall having heard of this record label. Is it because:
a) In the past it was so stunningly successful with one group that it continues to ride on the royalty coattails of said group and is thereby forgotten by subsequent generations of music industry personnel (like Alberts Records and AC/DC, for example), or
b) You have made it up just now.
This may not be a deal-breaker in my taking the position, per se, but I would very much like the company’s status to be cleared up. Thanking you in advance.
* How many years? I’m sorry, has it really been three years crafting this album? What’s wrong with you people? It’s not like you’re Metallica waiting around for James Hetfield to get back from shooting Russian bears or rediscovering his inner brat in rehab for months on end, is it? Amateurs.
* The lead singer – Having been related to the lead singer by way of DNA for, well, all of his life (and most of mine) I find it deplorable to be lumbered taking a backseat, being a sidekick, second banana, offsider, henchman or deppity to such a prancing pimpernel. Simply galling.
* The rest of the band – Frankly – and I believe honesty is the best policy most of the time – I have had foul reason to encounter both the drummer/arranger and bassist/violinist. Without going into detail for legal reasons may I simply express that whatever you do in life, do not allow yourself to be in Messrs Bates’s or Nicholas’s debt for any reason. Especially when there are photographs in locations unknown.
Finally, I look forward to your hasty favourable reply with anticipation.
Yours truly,
Daniel John Murphy
Guitarist/Singer etc.
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